Done (My Last Post)

I don’t see a need to write anymore about my experiences with cancer at this point.  I quit (this blog)!

Thank you for reading & all of your support!

I don’t see a need because the side effects, physically, are minimal.  It’s mostly about recovering from fatigue.  Sometimes I am short of breath or breath heavy.  That’s a combo of having a lower hemocrit to carry oxygen in my bloodstream plus there may or may not have been some damage to my lungs to the chemotherapy.  I believe it to be the lack of oxygen in my blood.

The problems I’m having with mental health are not entirely attributable to my relapse on testicular cancer, but are aggrivated and amplified because of my relapse with testicular cancer.  Issues from my youth are amplified to the point that I have problems dealing with them on a daily basis.  Logically I know the emotions and thoughts are irrational, but I cannot suppress all emotion via logic.  Most days I win, some days I don’t, take the good and the bad.

However, everyone has problems, no one is perfect, and no one has a perfect childhood.   If you wait in life to do something because everything isn’t perfect (say buy a house, start a new job, start signing karoeke, whatever!) you will be waiting the rest of your life.  Nothing is perfect, nature isn’t perfect, life isn’t perfect.

I’m not waiting until my life is perfect to stop writing about my trials with testicular cancer a 2nd time.  I’m ending it now.  I will be moving on in my life.

Although I am no longer actively posting here, please always feel free to contact me via this link or the “contact me” link above.  You can ask me any question you like!  I want to help!  Or just shoot the breeze.

It’s time for me to do everything I said I would.  It’s time for me to not squander my 3rd chance at life

If you’d like to read my blog from the start of when I first discovered I relapsed on cancer, click here.

Out of things to say

I started writing some status here, but most of the important stuff is done.

Fatigue better, still there, but getting better.  Hair back.  Back hair, too!  D’oh!

About time to end this!

Good.

Puking Stopped!!!

Knock on wood I don’t puke again tomorrow after writing this, but my puking’s stopped for the past several days.  Turns out all I needed to do was take my anti stomach acid pill (aciphex) twice a day instead of once a day.  Angela had a good point: she thought since I wasn’t drinking soda pop for a few months, when I started drinking soda pop again it created more acid and therefore I’d wake up in the morning with a tummy full of acid that made me want to hurl.

Either way, good news.

Fatigue is still here.  I can’t gauge well when it’s going to kick in.  I can mow the lawn, weed wack, load / unload camping gear, but not necessarily all in the same day.  I’m OK most of the time, but if I take a four mile walk, I’m fatigued for two days, have to let Angela drive me home and fall asleep in the car.  Huh???  I don’t get it and it’s still sort of frustrating but it keeps getting better.  Just understand I’m not 100%, I can’t always keep up with you (anyone) anymore, even when it’s something lame like staying up past 10PM. Please excuse me.  I used to be able to pound back beers stay up to 2AM get up the next morning and shovel the driveway’s snow.  No longer.  A few months from now I’ll probably be that guy again.

I’d like to do more physical volunteer work but instead I give digital support & encouragement to other testicular cancer patients on the internet.  Will do the more physical stuff later.

I am realizing I missed out on a lot of stuff in people’s lives that mattered to me over the last few months.  Friends & family.  Big gap of I don’t know what happened to you for a few months.  Big gap of stuff I missed.

I’m getting over post traumatic stress disorder, with help.  The feelings are not as intense as a couple weeks ago.  I still scan for threats, I still see threats where none exist, I still jump to loud noises, but I am a lot better than I was 2 weeks ago. I hope some of that is illustrated by my writings here.  I now value mental health over physical health, would rather have something wrong physically if given the choice!

Today I started acknowledging there is really a chance I could have cancer a 3rd time.  I invite you as a fun mental exercise (this is not sarcastic) to think some about what it would be like to know you could get cancer a 3rd time, but mostly how it would impact your daily decisions in life.

Funny Pics From Work I Forgot To Post

From my first day back at work post treatment, my cube, April 1st

Nausea, Vigor, PTSD, Et. Al.

Nausea: still present. I puke randomly. Haven’t gotten that figured out yet, but a good doc, who helped me out when this all started, is running some blood tests to see whattup.

Vigor: I am shaking off fatigue!  W00T! I was able to push through being tired once to go do some chores.  Typical of the way I used to be.  Yay! Not working out yet, not 100%, but doing long walks and yard work.

PTSD: Post traumatic stress disorder.  What I may have post 2nd survival of testicular cancer.  I’ve mentioned before I’m jumpy, the wife and others have noticed me jumpy too.

OK, so I know a random guy who gets off his bicycle on a walking trail I saw a few days ago is not a threat, but emotionally I have to suppress that, via logic.  Please excuse me if I am suspicious of you, or retort to something you said to / about me in a negative way. I saw something as a threat when it really wasn’t. It’s not normal me! Normal me should be back in a few months with continued help and exercises (I think?).

Been about 2 months since treatment stopped now.  Physically almost recovered (minus puking, but that may not be related to anything testicular cancer) mentally recovering.  Part of me says don’t write stuff about your mental illness that will freak people out, the other part says am just trying to be honest was not my choice to get cancer & this is how survivors frequently get impacted, continue documenting.  Latter wins out.

I think I see the end of the light at this tunnel now to a full recovery.  Not easy, but I think I see it.

My Attitude & Kids

Ya, my attitude stunk the last few posts.  I get frustrated.  Most of my posts aren’t about happy, they’re about something not happy.  Its how I feel and this is what happens to you when you get a serious illness.  The whole point of this is to document it.  As much as it sucks to write, read, or talk about, I am still committed to being painfully honest here.

I do keep telling myself a year from now it will be much better.  We (wife and I) will look back on this and laugh, and say how serious it was at the time, and that we’re so glad its over with.

I feel the need to write about the topic of having children.

Children is a weird one after you get testicular cancer.  There is no guarantee you will be capable of having children after radiation therapy or chemotherapy.  You may or may not recover in the capability to produce sperm and have children.  If you do, it’s probably at a lesser capacity / capability.

Post radiation, my sperm had recovered.  Post chemotherapy, I don’t know yet.  I should go have it tested in a year or two.

A lot of planning and execution that’s gone into me & Angela’s lives over the last year revolved around kids.  Like when, where…we sold our condo and moved into a house in a good school district.  We researched the school districts when looking at potential houses, and turned down houses that did not look to be kid friendly.

The relapse on cancer for me shot the whole kids plan A out of the water.  Now there is only questions (please bear with me on the morbid ones, I have to realistically weigh these):

• I have a 90% 5 year survival rate.  What happens if we have kids and I fall in that 10%?
• What happens if we get just outside the 5 year mark and I bite the dust?
• 10 years?
• Radiation and chemotherapy reduce your life span each approximately 10 years.  I’m looking at anything over 55 is a bonus?
• How would I take care of kids if I puke randomly?
• How can I take care of kids if I don’t get anxiety under control (am starting to actually)
• Should we have kids when there is a possibility of Angela being a widow?
• Maybe I should get some fat life insurance?

It’s not so much a question of fertility…I have banked sperm…versus longevity and other questions.

It was so straightfoward before…plan A…and now we need to make plan B.  I want plan A back. A perfect programmed life is now unobtainable.  I wanted to be perfect.  Now I need to settle or adjust to something else.

Cancer impacts a number of areas of people’s life.  Financially, your relationships, medically, emontionally, mental health, addictions, family, friends, your job, daily habits, you name it.

I am getting better.  I am doing better.  Sure I puke, sure I have anxiety, but I survived again.  Survived with a lot of help from others.  A year from now I look forward to this being some memory of days I thought were so serious and now (or rather then) are so trivial.

I take solice with helping others with cancer online.  If I have helped one person I have accomplished…something.  Maybe more than I accomplished before.  Maybe there’s a reason I got this a second time.

Translation of Last Post

Translation of Last Post:

I’m frustrated I’m not better yet, and I’m frustrated about nausea / puking 2 months after treatment.

See-Saw

I’m not puking

I’m puking

I’m not nauseated

I’m nauseated

I’m not tired

I can’t walk 3 miles

I’m not anxious at the moment

The next I am manic

-

Enough already

I am sick of puking so long after treatment

this is my new existance

-

wake

think about puking

take pill

hope don’t puke

get up

take shower

sometimes puke

sometimes puke in shower

dont communicate that

no one should

or have to

hear about it

that is my load alone

-

what animal pukes daily

that is not designed to puke

only the dying or ill

i have no recourse

but to consider my quality of life

versus non existance

sorry to let you down with such thoughts

sorry i almost did once

how is it fair i survive when so many others suffer

how is it fair i should acquire cancer

how is it fair to friends & family

-

there is no right and wrong

this is no fair and unfair

there only is

-

i hope you never have to visit hell

consider this the postcard

Aerobic vs. Anaerobic

The difference between aerobic & anaerobic exercise for myself:

Anaerobic, I can do good now.

Aerobic, can get me tired for a day or two.

So I can help you lift your TV in your house, but don’t ask me to play a game of basketball.

Just got done going on the treadmill for a mile and a half.  Few days ago went for a two mile walk at the park.  I’m coming for you Drago.

Comparison

==

Sometimes I think I whine too much about testicular cancer.

Sometimes I think I am justified.

What is right?  I dont know.  Number of people I met in person with testicular cancer: 0.  Number of testicular cancer patients nurse treated in hospital cancer ward: 0. Number of testicular cancer patients an oncologist I considered using treated: 0.  Number of testicular cancer patients I met in both radiation and chemotherapy: 0. So who would know if I cant find anyone?  Only other testicular cancer survivors online.

I don’t have a comparison point.  This is not normal.

Part of the problem with having a freaking rare disease.

Part of me says its time to get over this, shuttup, and move on.  Part of me says its justified.  Part of me says no one wants to read someones blog where they whine about their affliction, woe is them.

Fatigue came back some last two days, I did too much Saturday.  Puked today.  I usually dont finish breakfast or lunch, dinner I do well eating.

Rough estimate I learned from a doctor is that 2/3 of cancer survivors need mental help post treatment.  How about surviving cancer twice?

I am still fighting this, and still up for fighting.  Still have will to fight.  I wonder if strong will makes ghosts.