So, I made it. I’m done, I’m clean, I’m going to survive. I fought with others’ help and I survived cancer a second time. It’s confusing to be given your life back. I’m not sure how to explain it; imagine a deity tells you you’ll likely die in the next two years. What would you do? Then what do you do when the deity says, “congratulations, that likelyhood of you dying is now gone. Enjoy the rest of your life.”

I’m not being ungrateful – I’m trying to convey it’s confusing. What do you do with your life again? I guess upping 401k donations is a start. Trying to have a kid with my wife is another – which we are trying for – I’m fertile after radiation and chemotherapy. I’m not sure what else I’ll do with my life I’ve gained back. My wife and I have a longstanding agreement that I can get a metal detector at 55; she thinks its an old man’s hobby, so made me promise I’ll wait until 55. It is something I look forward to in 20 something years to hoist that thing up in the air and say “I TOLD YOU SO” out of spite

Volunteering – formally haven’t done it. Shame on me. Informally I still talk and try to help people who come to my blog and respond to me. That is an invitation to do so if you’re reading this, and you or a loved one are in their darkest hour. I started bringing food in more to work but I’m not sure how much that counts. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Let’s move onto mental health status. At a financial sacrifice, we’ve removed me from a constant PTSD trigger and the PTSD is steadily going away. Simple analysis, what’s more important, money and a good credit rating, or being happy? I’m fairly sure the PTSD started after my several day stint in the hospital during chemotherapy; I gained the hallmark startle response after that hospital visit. Wife and I couldn’t understand the startle response at the time, but in hindsight, that’s where I turned. I’m not on as many crazy pills anymore…removing myself from the situation I was in with constant PTSD triggers is helping a lot. I feel like there needs to be more attention drawn to mental health issues borne out of illness. That’s asking a lot to openly talk about it. It’s one stigma to admit you had a testicle removed for cancer; another to admit you had testicular cancer; and a whole nother level to be honest enough to share you had a mental illness.

Physically, doing great. Joined a gym. Believe that? I hope that gives you or loved ones hope. After so damn long and treatment twice I work out again. Two goddamn years to get to the point I could go to the gym again. Am I lucky, did I never give up, or did I just wait around long enough to get better? Probably all three.

My mom is diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s going through a lot of the same things I did with treatment. I hold back telling her how hard some things will be. I feel it’s unfair for me to be declared clean / given a new lease on life, and in that same month my mom gets diagnosed with cancer. But like I’ve said in this blog, there is no fair and unfair. There only is. Wonder if there is a common source to both of our cancers.

To all of you out there who are fighting, or have a loved one fighting…I want to let you know with this update…
It is possible to overcome cancer and have a normal life.

Believe & fight.

- Jeff, a two time cancer survior

It is a little hard to believe it’s been a over a year since I started this blog, challenged by cancer again, helped by others once again. Sometimes I stop by and re-read what I posted, remembering everything that happened. This blog is my sick scrapbook.

I kicked around the idea of never posting here again, but I thought I should give others hope perhaps by posting annually on the anniversary of my 2nd diagnosis that I’m “still going”. In other words, there is life after cancer.

Here’s an update of my post-relapse and post-treatment related status:

• I finally shook my fatigue. That didn’t happen until late November 2009, several months longer than it should have to lose the fatigue caused by chemotherapy. I am working out again, on Wii. Whereas typical home chores used to tire me for a couple days, that is no longer the case. I finally got around to cleaning up and organizing my entire basement over the last week, moving heavy stuff, assembly, repair, and so on. The basement sat in a mess for over a year because I wasn’t capable of doing anything myself.
• Fertility? Unsure if I am sterile or not. Will be tested in April 2010. Cyrogenics lab told me they usually don’t test anyone until over a year has passed since radiation therapy or chemotherapy – because it takes your body that long to repair itself. Little confused because the cyrogenics lab told me watch out because my sperm would cause mutant babies, whereas my oncologist said I’d just be sterile. Still plan on having kids.
• Every CT scan’s & X-ray came back clean. No lumps found.
• Regarding PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder. Don’t enjoy writing about it. It’s lessoned in intensity. Via time and drugs. I don’t know if / when I will completely get rid of it. Think of it as being on guard like you were in a shady bar or 3rd world country with a fat wallet…only all of the time, and when you don’t need to be on such a high level of alert. I used to get migraines…I had to take prescription medication to get rid of the migraines…since completing chemotherapy I can solve any headache with standard store bought non-prescription medicine. Therefore I know something in my brain chemistry changed ala chemotherapy. Heck my oncologist told me it was possible.
• My promises. I’m working out. I eat a piece of fruit once a day, my diet is better. I haven’t volunteered. Shame on me for the latter. I did pick who I want to volunteer for, Michigan Humane Society. I don’t know why I’m dragging my feet I need to call.

Well, cheers, here’s to one year down.

Thank you for reading & all of your support!

I don’t see a need because the side effects, physically, are minimal.  It’s mostly about recovering from fatigue.  Sometimes I am short of breath or breath heavy.  That’s a combo of having a lower hemocrit to carry oxygen in my bloodstream plus there may or may not have been some damage to my lungs to the chemotherapy.  I believe it to be the lack of oxygen in my blood.

The problems I’m having with mental health are not entirely attributable to my relapse on testicular cancer, but are aggrivated and amplified because of my relapse with testicular cancer.  Issues from my youth are amplified to the point that I have problems dealing with them on a daily basis.  Logically I know the emotions and thoughts are irrational, but I cannot suppress all emotion via logic.  Most days I win, some days I don’t, take the good and the bad.

However, everyone has problems, no one is perfect, and no one has a perfect childhood.   If you wait in life to do something because everything isn’t perfect (say buy a house, start a new job, start signing karoeke, whatever!) you will be waiting the rest of your life.  Nothing is perfect, nature isn’t perfect, life isn’t perfect.

I’m not waiting until my life is perfect to stop writing about my trials with testicular cancer a 2nd time.  I’m ending it now.  I will be moving on in my life.

Although I am no longer actively posting here, please always feel free to contact me via this link or the “contact me” link above.  You can ask me any question you like!  I want to help!  Or just shoot the breeze.

It’s time for me to do everything I said I would.  It’s time for me to not squander my 3rd chance at life

If you’d like to read my blog from the start of when I first discovered I relapsed on cancer, click here.

Fatigue better, still there, but getting better.  Hair back.  Back hair, too!  D’oh!

About time to end this!

Good.

Either way, good news.

Fatigue is still here.  I can’t gauge well when it’s going to kick in.  I can mow the lawn, weed wack, load / unload camping gear, but not necessarily all in the same day.  I’m OK most of the time, but if I take a four mile walk, I’m fatigued for two days, have to let Angela drive me home and fall asleep in the car.  Huh???  I don’t get it and it’s still sort of frustrating but it keeps getting better.  Just understand I’m not 100%, I can’t always keep up with you (anyone) anymore, even when it’s something lame like staying up past 10PM. Please excuse me.  I used to be able to pound back beers stay up to 2AM get up the next morning and shovel the driveway’s snow.  No longer.  A few months from now I’ll probably be that guy again.

I’d like to do more physical volunteer work but instead I give digital support & encouragement to other testicular cancer patients on the internet.  Will do the more physical stuff later.

I am realizing I missed out on a lot of stuff in people’s lives that mattered to me over the last few months.  Friends & family.  Big gap of I don’t know what happened to you for a few months.  Big gap of stuff I missed.

I’m getting over post traumatic stress disorder, with help.  The feelings are not as intense as a couple weeks ago.  I still scan for threats, I still see threats where none exist, I still jump to loud noises, but I am a lot better than I was 2 weeks ago. I hope some of that is illustrated by my writings here.  I now value mental health over physical health, would rather have something wrong physically if given the choice!

Today I started acknowledging there is really a chance I could have cancer a 3rd time.  I invite you as a fun mental exercise (this is not sarcastic) to think some about what it would be like to know you could get cancer a 3rd time, but mostly how it would impact your daily decisions in life.

Vigor: I am shaking off fatigue!  W00T! I was able to push through being tired once to go do some chores.  Typical of the way I used to be.  Yay! Not working out yet, not 100%, but doing long walks and yard work.

PTSD: Post traumatic stress disorder.  What I may have post 2nd survival of testicular cancer.  I’ve mentioned before I’m jumpy, the wife and others have noticed me jumpy too.

OK, so I know a random guy who gets off his bicycle on a walking trail I saw a few days ago is not a threat, but emotionally I have to suppress that, via logic.  Please excuse me if I am suspicious of you, or retort to something you said to / about me in a negative way. I saw something as a threat when it really wasn’t. It’s not normal me! Normal me should be back in a few months with continued help and exercises (I think?).

Been about 2 months since treatment stopped now.  Physically almost recovered (minus puking, but that may not be related to anything testicular cancer) mentally recovering.  Part of me says don’t write stuff about your mental illness that will freak people out, the other part says am just trying to be honest was not my choice to get cancer & this is how survivors frequently get impacted, continue documenting.  Latter wins out.

I think I see the end of the light at this tunnel now to a full recovery.  Not easy, but I think I see it.

I do keep telling myself a year from now it will be much better.  We (wife and I) will look back on this and laugh, and say how serious it was at the time, and that we’re so glad its over with.

I feel the need to write about the topic of having children.

Children is a weird one after you get testicular cancer.  There is no guarantee you will be capable of having children after radiation therapy or chemotherapy.  You may or may not recover in the capability to produce sperm and have children.  If you do, it’s probably at a lesser capacity / capability.

Post radiation, my sperm had recovered.  Post chemotherapy, I don’t know yet.  I should go have it tested in a year or two.

A lot of planning and execution that’s gone into me & Angela’s lives over the last year revolved around kids.  Like when, where…we sold our condo and moved into a house in a good school district.  We researched the school districts when looking at potential houses, and turned down houses that did not look to be kid friendly.

The relapse on cancer for me shot the whole kids plan A out of the water.  Now there is only questions (please bear with me on the morbid ones, I have to realistically weigh these):

• I have a 90% 5 year survival rate.  What happens if we have kids and I fall in that 10%?
• What happens if we get just outside the 5 year mark and I bite the dust?
• 10 years?
• Radiation and chemotherapy reduce your life span each approximately 10 years.  I’m looking at anything over 55 is a bonus?
• How would I take care of kids if I puke randomly?
• How can I take care of kids if I don’t get anxiety under control (am starting to actually)
• Should we have kids when there is a possibility of Angela being a widow?
• Maybe I should get some fat life insurance?

It’s not so much a question of fertility…I have banked sperm…versus longevity and other questions.

It was so straightfoward before…plan A…and now we need to make plan B.  I want plan A back. A perfect programmed life is now unobtainable.  I wanted to be perfect.  Now I need to settle or adjust to something else.

Cancer impacts a number of areas of people’s life.  Financially, your relationships, medically, emontionally, mental health, addictions, family, friends, your job, daily habits, you name it.

I am getting better.  I am doing better.  Sure I puke, sure I have anxiety, but I survived again.  Survived with a lot of help from others.  A year from now I look forward to this being some memory of days I thought were so serious and now (or rather then) are so trivial.

I take solice with helping others with cancer online.  If I have helped one person I have accomplished…something.  Maybe more than I accomplished before.  Maybe there’s a reason I got this a second time.

I’m frustrated I’m not better yet, and I’m frustrated about nausea / puking 2 months after treatment.

I’m not puking

I’m puking

I’m not nauseated

I’m nauseated

I’m not tired

I can’t walk 3 miles

I’m not anxious at the moment

The next I am manic

-

Enough already

I am sick of puking so long after treatment

this is my new existance

-

wake

think about puking

take pill

hope don’t puke

get up

take shower

sometimes puke

sometimes puke in shower

dont communicate that

no one should

or have to

hear about it

that is my load alone

-

what animal pukes daily

that is not designed to puke

only the dying or ill

i have no recourse

but to consider my quality of life

versus non existance

sorry to let you down with such thoughts

sorry i almost did once

how is it fair i survive when so many others suffer

how is it fair i should acquire cancer

how is it fair to friends & family

-

there is no right and wrong

this is no fair and unfair

there only is

-

i hope you never have to visit hell

consider this the postcard

The difference between aerobic & anaerobic exercise for myself:

Anaerobic, I can do good now.

Aerobic, can get me tired for a day or two.

So I can help you lift your TV in your house, but don’t ask me to play a game of basketball.

Just got done going on the treadmill for a mile and a half.  Few days ago went for a two mile walk at the park.  I’m coming for you Drago.

Sometimes I think I whine too much about testicular cancer.

Sometimes I think I am justified.

What is right?  I dont know.  Number of people I met in person with testicular cancer: 0.  Number of testicular cancer patients nurse treated in hospital cancer ward: 0. Number of testicular cancer patients an oncologist I considered using treated: 0.  Number of testicular cancer patients I met in both radiation and chemotherapy: 0. So who would know if I cant find anyone?  Only other testicular cancer survivors online.

I don’t have a comparison point.  This is not normal.

Part of the problem with having a freaking rare disease.

Part of me says its time to get over this, shuttup, and move on.  Part of me says its justified.  Part of me says no one wants to read someones blog where they whine about their affliction, woe is them.

Fatigue came back some last two days, I did too much Saturday.  Puked today.  I usually dont finish breakfast or lunch, dinner I do well eating.

Rough estimate I learned from a doctor is that 2/3 of cancer survivors need mental help post treatment.  How about surviving cancer twice?

I am still fighting this, and still up for fighting.  Still have will to fight.  I wonder if strong will makes ghosts.

Why I puke and have nausea is still unknown.  Have discussed it with a few doctors.  Could be leftover chemotherapy, could be allergies, could be an ulcer, could be anxiety, heck could be anxiety triggering an ulcer.

Gastro doc said the plan is I take an anti-nausea drug (compezene) for a few weeks, and we will see if it goes away.  I was self-medicating myself in the first place with anti-nausea drugs left over from chemotherapy (compezene), so it’s good to hear I wasn’t being idiotic with my leftover drugs.

So to survive cancer, you create your own survival mechanisms.  Whatever works for you.  Mine was / is paranoia, sample thoughts:

Wash your hands. Don’t touch the doorknob. Don’t touch the elevator button. Wash hands after getting the mail. Burn your food to a crisp in the microwave. Hold your breath if someone is coughing and get away from them. Ask person coming over if they are sick. All money is dirty. Put the curtain up in case the patient next to you has a cold.

Paranoia to that degree is useful as a survival mechnaism when getting a cold or the flu can kill you, thanks to a compromised immune system via chemotherapy.  Friend pointed out that isolation for a few months might mess you up too.

Now, paranoia / anxiety is mostly useless and is inconvenient.  Paranoia and anxiety are not a light switch that can easily be turned on and off.  Is why I’m anxious / paranoid because I had to be for so long, to survive?  I’m sure it was a major contributor to the current state I am at.

I thought maybe I was weird, but I found out from the useful advice of other testicular cancer survivors (@ the testicular cancer forums online) that paranoia / anxiety is common post treatment & survival for testicular cancer folk.  Probably the same for other cancer folk too.

I wasn’t paranoid / anxious after the first time I had cancer. I’m not anxious nowdays about anything cancer related, its anything but that.  Heard some good theories from people that

• A relapse is a more serious / life-threatening event than the first time you get cancer
• That I worry / am anxious about anything but my health because I am transferring my anxiety to other areas
• That chemotherapy was worse than radiation, therefore messed with my psyche more

I keep thinking this @#$@#$ blog is over.  I was contemplating writing my final goodbyes last weekend for it.  However, stuff related to my testicular cancer keeps coming up.

Maybe after I get rid of this anxiety I can end this thing!  Do not want!

I don’t know.  Most mornings I am nauseated, some I puke.  I am sort of hoping its allergies, making drainage run into my stomach while I sleep that I feel I need to puke out.

This morning on my way to work I pulled over in some abandoned parking lot and ralphed.  Some geese came over to check out was going on, walked 50′ or so over.  Hadn’t eaten any breakfast.

I had a similiar problem before after getting Bronchitis.  However I think the Bronchitis was in March, and we’re in mid May now.

Oncologist wasn’t sure why I’m puking…said eat toast and stuff early in the morning, avoid eating stuff before going to bed.  He didn’t think it was ativan either.  Maybe it’s time to see a normal doctor for something that isn’t chemotherapy related?